i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
