my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
