In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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