What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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