I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
