You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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