I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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