It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
