Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sober January is a disaster.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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