i need an iv and a liver transplant
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
