Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
