Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
