sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How does one acquire holy water?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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