My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
