Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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