so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
