It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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