Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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