who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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