I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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