I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
