Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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