Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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