So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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