It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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