when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
