Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
