so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
