My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How does it feel to date your dad?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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