Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
