he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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