Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
