shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
