I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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