Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
