Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
