Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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