Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
