i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
two words: eviction party
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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