No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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