8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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