Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
