Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
