Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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