I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
