I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
