I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
