I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
