I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we're making bets on your personal life
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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