i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
