Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
