My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
