This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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