Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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