You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
