I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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